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the UP CINEMA Prophecies

Ten years na ang nakalipas. Andito kaming lahat, mga pioneer members ng UP CINEMA, sa kasal ni Gail Llanto--isang sikat na socialite dahil Socio major siya--at ni Julius Maraya, isang rockstar turned falling star na nagsimula sa pagiging rockstar impersonator. Naandun na sila sa altar, ang bride may balak yatang maging Runaway Bride.

Nasa bandang kanan si Nina Reyes, isang photographer ng mga pagkain, na nagmamadali nang umuwi kahit di pa nagsisimula ang "I do"-han. Nga pala, maid of honor si Irene Ladignon na hanggang ngayon ay di pa rin makamove-on sa pagiging Ashtee Danaya at binalot ng dahon ng anahaw ang buong katawan. Kasama niya bilang bridesmaids sina Astrid Alvarez na ngayon ay isa nang sikat na talent manager, Sheena Astete na editor ng isang women's bold magazine, at si Deanne Briones na ngayon ay isa sa mga major stockholders ng Globe at nakikipaglaban upang ang Unlimitxt ay wala nang katapusan.

Hindi sumipot ang best man ni rockstar Julius na si Richard Bolisay dahil itinanan ni Karen Geronimo. Kaya nagproxy si Glenn Ituriaga, bagong may-ari ng FHM Philippines. Mga groomsmen naman sina Ira Neptali Rebao na nakapagtala ng World Record bilang fastest pansit-eating human being--sa susunod na linggo pagkatapos ng kasal, susubukan naman niyangi-break ang record sa longest ballpen ever, si Leo Ray Valencia na may-ari gn franchise ng Survivor (TM) Philippines na nasa 10th season na ngayon at kasalukuyang nagca-cast ng CINEMA alumni bilang contestants.

Kino-consider ni Leo isama ang mga fellow guests na sina: Pamela Condeno, minsang tinaguriang bilang pusa newscaster dahil sa kanyang pag-meow sa tuwing siya'y kinikiliti ng kanyang kapwa anchor; si Mary Joyce Cruz, isang sikat na may-ari ng chain of palangke sa Manila; si ES Dimen na ngayon ay kilala sa pangalang Yoshke Pyhican, isang pulitikong nakilala sa pagiging balimbing; Dohna Sarmiento, stand-up comedienne turned porn star na divorcee ng advertising magnate na si Jordan Santos; Adrian Carlo Mella, isang McDo impersonator; Carmen Angela Nuque, Butihin Ina Awardee; at si Ayn Dimaya, Gabriela chairperson-slash-women's advocate writer.

Bisita nina Gail at Julius ang dating asawa ni Nep Rebao na si Kathryn Zue Otarra, na minsan naging president ng fan's club ni Britney Spears bago ito namatay sa breast cancer. Andun din sina Davene Venturanza, 36-20-36 Miss World 2010, si rockstar Monica Galvey na sumikat rin dahil sa kanyang "no more dengdeng" breast enhancement therapy, at ang sexy star turned Belo cover model Joan Tuazon.

Medyo OP ang economist na si Ethel Francisco na katabi ang sikat na former actress turned band manager na si Mace Mateo, at sikat na experimental filmmaker Tonette Jadaone na may-ari rin ng largest Autoload shop sa SM. Katabi nila ang kapita-pitagang makeover guru na si Benafe Masiglat.

Present rin ang retired bold star na si Jerwin Espiritu. Hindi na mabenta ang bold films kaya ngayon ay may sarili siyang photo studio kung saan display ang kanyang mga hubad na self-portrait.

Lahat kami ay tuwang-tuwa sa kasalang nagaganap habang binabanggit ng paring si Vince Lampa ang mga katagang "you may now kiss the bride". It was a happy ending talaga habang hawak-hawak ng bride ang bouquet ng mga bulaklak na pinitas mula sa halamang may sikat na children's story na pinamagatang "Ang Alamat ni Maritess Cruz".


go on and alligate  

YOU KNOW THEY'RE CINEMASTERS...

>> Magaganda, pretty, hot

>> Gwapo, asteeg, heartthrob

>> Tambays in the film lobby

>> Pictures forever, until battery or memory space runs out

>> Spies on many crushes in Koreans, apps, co-mems and professors

>> Makes singhot, singa, ubo, or all at once all the time

>> Sakit each other physically

>> Speaks in tongues

>> Hugs one another

>> Eats forever

>> No intellectual discussions, only panlilibak

>> You just know they are.


go on and alligate  

THE AYN DIMAYA’S RULES TO LIVE BY

 (as of 17 Aug 2005, 10:45PM)

1. Don’t fall in love but if you have to, love someone you can bentahose.

2. Don’t alligate yourself when you are already alligated.

3. Don’t pusok too much. It may result in heart attack or Carmi Martin.

4. Always do the Kepi. Life is fun when lived in denial.

5. Kung may unos, maghanda ng lasagna.

6. If overcome by stupidity, point all fingers at somebody else.

7. Live the spurtaneous moments now.

8. There are times to Ayn Dimaya and times to Maolen Fadul and times to Richard Bolisay.

9. The art of killing ipises can be applied to many things in life.

10. Move on.


go on and alligate  

WHAT BEBS WOULD DO FOR LOVE

I’m not capable of loving. Shet.

I will KK so famine will not come.

I will record songs we love and record it and give it to him. Torture.

I will put my dila in the middle of #3 electric fan. Of course, that after he puts his dila also.

I will go to where he is anytime he asks me to. Provided, he pays for the taxi, jeep, tricycle or treatment for my varicose veins.

I will make an MTV of our fave song and give it to him after the breakup.

Hug. Hug. Hug. Hug. Hug. Forever.

Utang from him everytime I’m famine.

Defy. Defy. Defy. Defy. Defy my defiance.

Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss forever. Till laway runs out.

Stare. Stare. Stare. Stare at each other. Forever. Till eyes run dry.

                           I’m not capable of loving. Shet.


go on and alligate  

DAHIL PUSOK KAMI SA MGA IPIS

How to Torture an Ipis by Pam

 

Pour Green Cross alcohol.

Get encyclopedia and drop it right on the target. Make sure it finds itself in a very AWKWARD situation where it will render itself confused, disturbed, and a bit in a vertigo state.

Make sure when it flies, you have an alcohol with you and swish it to make it pilay.

 

--

 

Vince’s way

I like to flip it over with my slipper and when it’s in an AWKWARD situation, I pour alcohol on it. The ipis twitches until it dies. Also, you can use liquid soap, toothpaste, or shampoo. Oh yes, also Joy TM dishwashing liquid!

 

--

 

Leo’s way

Okay now. My advice is to buy the RAID Cockroach Killer TM. It kills even after two weeks! Amazing isn’t it. You hunt for the place where they lounge (i.e. under tables and chairs, near the garbage can, behind refrigerators, water dispensers, and other huge static objects). After initial spraying, wait for a couple of minutes and you will see the effects. One by one they’ll fall to the floor unconscious. Do not be deceived however, cockroaches sometimes fake their death so that you would leave them alone. For assurance, drop an encyclopedia (refer to Pam’s entry), or make buhos alcohol (a la Vince). Another technique to finish the cockroaches is to make them ipit between the wall and huge objects like refs (as I have said before). Picture frames can also be used.

 

---

 

How Reen kills ipis:

 

1) slam foot on ipis. [said foot is wearing shoes or slipper]**

 

2) if ipis is on wall, take off shoe or slipper and make sapak the ipis.**

 

3) if ipis is on kisame, get walis and swish at the ipis to make it fall down. Then proceed to number 1 or 2.**

 

4) if Reen sees ipis while she is washing dishes outside their house, then she makes squirt-squirt it with dishwashing liquid and pours the dirty water on it. See them scatter. If ipis crawls near the hand, grab the nearest kawali and slap it on the ipis. Do nothing if it crawls down the drain.**

 

5) if ipis is flying, grab a Baygon can and spray mercilessly towards the ipis. You will be momentarily disgusted at seeing the legs of the ipis in all their glory nearing toward you—but then you will soon have the satisfaction seeing the ipis make gewang-gewang as it falls to the ground.**

 

**all done while screaming like a headless chicken.

 

---

 

Glenn’s ipis… (with illustration which unfortunately cannot be replicated here)

1) Grab the ipis by the feelers.

2) Make hulog the ipis in a bottle of muriatic acid. Plug the bottle.

3) Turn the bottle upside-down and watch the ipis slowly melt away…

 

---

 

YOU’RE SO KADIRS

 

Bago mag-alas nueve ng gabi…

 

Oh ipis. You’re so kadirs. That’s why I can’t touch you. That’s why I can’t get near you. That’s why I can’t make buhos the Green Cross, make tapak the you, make hampas, make sabon, make tunaw, not even make hawak.

 

All I can do is stare while you crawl oh so near, wishing so hard that thou shall not go super near as in almost touching the skin of mine. ‘Coz you’re so kadirs.

 

But despite this what I said when thou tries to invade the privacy of mine, for example, making paramdam whilst I speaking on the phone, especially during the wee hours of the night, I shall summon all courageousness of mine, grab a shoe, a slipper, or a frying pan, and smash thee and all thy kadiriness.

 

 Only wish the I that thy green juiciness shall not dikit on the murder weapon of mine.

 

‘Coz you’re so kadirs.

 

Always,

Pungay

 

--

 

HOW I KILL IPIS (especially with wings) by KZ

1) camouflage with the wall

2) grab a slipper

3) ATTACK

4) step on the slipper to make piga

5) LEAVE OVERNIGHT FOR MORE FLAVOR!

 

--

 

How I killed 3 ipises (by Pam, the Ipis Queen)

 

Heavy rain made the ipises come out

      13 arrived at my house

Big, fat, flying ipises bombarded it

      So I got 3 encyclopedias

      But first I wore my Jazz Pants

      The my jacket with the hood and then I cried

      Got the Green Cross alcohol and

      Dropped it onto the ipises

            So they were all SMASHED.

alligators (2)  

5 THINGS CINEMASTERS WOULD LIKE TO DO BEFORE THEY DIE

Icang:

1) bungee jump

2) go to Switzerland

3) take a picture with penguins and polar bears

4) play the drums!!!

5) a DATE with Brandon Boyd!!!

 

Ayn:

1) live in France for a year

2) make Dead Stars into a film

3) meet Sofia Coppola

4) learn to play the cello

5) watch The Phantom of the Opera in Broadway

 

Reen:

1) draw, produce, write, direct and animate Return to Oblivion with Rye

2) screw her brains out with a spanking hot guy OR find the love of her life and have four children (with the love of her life ha!)

3) live in JAPAN! Even just for vacation my golly!

4) travel to all countries in Asia with the free tickets courtesy of the Mr. Edgar Ladignon

5) make Beauty into a film!!!

 

ES:

1) assassinate Gloria

2) become the youngest Philippine president

3) proclaim Martial law

4) wage war against US

5) be assassinated by my successor

 

Vince:

1) win a Palm D’Or

2) become a successful actor

3) find some who’ll love me back

4) go on an around-the-world photo trip

5) change the world somehow

 

Tonette (as of 3:15pm, 30 June 2005)

1) sing in/with a band

2) make my dream film

3) maging nanay na maganda

4) makasal nang sunrise

5) design and build my dream house

(remember: as of 3:15pm)

 

KZ:

1) lumabas ng mundo (as in space travel ala H2G2)

2) maging isang assassin! As in yung role ni Jane Smith

3) gumawa ng pelikula na panonoorin ng lahat as in world wide box office hit!

4) TATANGKAD DIN AKO!

5) travel the world as in sa lahat ng lugar

 

Bebs:

1) find the secret to immortality. Na transferable.

2) find the fountain of youth. (redundant)

3) get powers of Piper, Phoebe and Paige

4) Cure my lunacy

5) Turn into human

 

Dohna:

1) To tell everyone I love that I love them

2) To do ‘it’ (I don’t wanna die a virgin! That’s Rex’s goal na eh!)

3) To put an end to world wide famine (Tiyan muna!)

4) To test my limits by doing extreme sports

5) To extend my list. (5 is so not my number)


go on and alligate  

The UP CINEMA Dictionary, 1st edition 2005

Idioms

1) Gavina, Spurtaneous-lactose - Dohna

2) Peks, Lyle thesis – Irene

3) Pugad Nep, Patabaing Baboy – Nep

4) Kulot – Glenn

5) Shitzu, Vibrato – Leo (Sheets for short)

6) Joyce Quadro – Joyce Rojo

7) Halaman, Plant, Kaktus – Tez (can also be called by names of other non-living organisms)

8) The Emancipation of Mimay – Mimay

9) Stacie, Mole-lat, Megamole – Tonette

10) Monikantot, Galviii – Icang

11) Myk Mesha, Puss in Boots – Mike Mesia

12) Rica, Frida, Alipin – Rex

13) Kojo – Maikel Cardoz

14) names of mothers or fathers substituting for first names of Cinemasters, e.g. Fidelita (Fidela) for the Irene, Aida for the Tonette, Vivian for the Bebs, Lydia for the Rex, Antonia for the Icang.

15) Bolitas - Chard

 

 

A

 

alligate  – state of in-the-moment excitement, restlessness, happiness, sadness, or any form of emotion and/or agitation. N. alligator – a person who alligates. Root word aligaga

 

Antoinette Jadaone  – the ability to fall asleep anywhere.

 

Ayn Dimaya – 1) state of taray where you cannot kaya to confront anymore. 2) state of alligation while speaking, thus making the pitch of voice go higher and higher and the words come faster and faster. 3) to be bulag—to not recognize people when meeting them.

 

 

B

 

bentahose – taking advantage of anything. N. bentahowsah – a person who bentahoses.

 

 

C

 

Carmen Angela – to alligate your significant other, making him/her cry

 

Charliebebs – the body in an unbathed state while going to school.

 

Cinemaster – 1) an official member of UP CINEMA. 2) the state of always being hungry, late, and/or alligated.

 

 

D

 

Dohna Sarmiento – 1) the act of pulling a massive prank on a single person. 2) the act of pulling off a mission impossible for a single person. 3) to pull off an actrisa moment, making everybody around you believe that you are mad.

 

E

 

 

F

 

famine, n. – a state in which one will be forced to bentahose and/or find means to have kumikitang kabuhayan.

 

G

 

Gino Matinggela – to nakaw something. Root word matose – nakaw.

 

Glenn Ituriaga – 1) to alligate until a person Ayn Dimayas. 2) to interpret songs in a malibog way.

 

gwang ming – the state of the hair made pilit to look straight when in fact it is not. (danger: exposure to wetness/rain will make gwang ming hair be kulot again).

 

H

 

 

I

 

Icang – the ability to make a whole group of people believe something which is not true and/or non-existent (note: the one who Icangs can also be Icanged). 2) to be always affected by everything, especially by love.

 

I have LBM – the excuse one uses when you can’t make it to a certain meeting especially if you are a Gavina living just in the KNL Heights.

 

Ira – to make salahawan with a number of women.

 

Irene Ladignon – the one who ruins the whole Dohna Sarmiento (1) without meaning to because he/she is not aware there is a Dohna Sarmiento going on.

 

J

 

Joyce Cruz – to palengkate.

 

 

K

 

Kepi – to delay the moment of truth a.k.a to bitin people when you are about to divulge a juicy piece of information.

 

KZ Otarra – 1) to be buntis like the immaculate conception. 2) to laugh at corny jokes.

 

kumikitang kabuhayan – any form of raket, kupet, or just plain hingi pera and/or bentahosing from others.

 

 

L

 

langgam-inducing - 1) too sweet for words. 2) something that is nilalanggam. 3) Icang and Myk. Root word langgam – a six-legged insect that primarily feeds on sweet items; not the Visayan translation for bird.

 

Leo Valencia1) the urge to eat food about every two or three hours. 2) to crave for the mantao bread and sabaw of the Chowking. 3) to be accident prone, especially slipping on the stairs while walking down. 4) to fish for compliments without being obvious. 5) the ability to leisure walk. 6) to sing with a vibrato voice.

 

 

M

 

Maolen Fadul – to pusok discreetly but sabogs in the yahoogroups. 

 

Mimay, n., v. – fetish for nipples. E.g. Hey you, don’t Mimay me! You emancipated woman you!

 

Monica Galvey, v. – to tell your crush/loved one your feelings. E.g. C’mon Gavina, you Monica Galvey already the [insert name here].

 

 

N

 

Nep Rebao, n., v. – n. 1) the state of always disappearing. 2) gluttoning. v. 1) the action of making telebabad on the cellphone with a significant other and always ending the call with a “mwah”.

 

Nina, adj., n. – 1) the state of always going home early. 2) the ability to bake and/or cook delicious food like chocolate cookies and crinkles. 3) to have kumikitang kabuhayan-abilities such as making lip gloss.

 

O

 

 

P

 

palengkate  - to raise your voice always (a.k.a in a palengkera manner)

 

Peks, n., v.  – state of violence like making sampal, sapak, batok, or just plain kasamaan ng ugali. E.g. Don’t peks me too much! My cheeks are already red from the sampal.

 

Pungay, n. – an epileptic condition where one makes an aso-like breathing when reacting to something funny, horrific, or just anything that excites a person. E.g. Hey you! Don’t Pungayee reaction to me!

 

pusok  - to be galit/enraged.

 

Q

 

R

 

Richard Bolisay – 1) to make someone laugh to infinity without meaning to. 2) to have short term memory. 3) to have slow brain cells. 4) to be the soul mate of Karen Geronimo. 5) to pusok Bebs. 6) to make patawa in YM conference consistently.

 

 

S

 

Sheena Astete – the state of being ‘kahon-ed’ (e.g. in a box), therefore being unable to liten to your inner duende.

 

speak in tongues, n., v. – 1) an epidemic made kalat by the Charliebebs, Gavina and Shitzu (© 2005). 2) speaking in broken English with cońo accent.

 

spurtaneous, adj., n.  – a condition where a lactose-free, calcium-free gatas spurts out of your right boob due to sudden alligate; provided that one alligates to taxi from the house going to UP just to chuvah with your long-time crush/loved one despite being in a state of famine.

 

T

 

U

 

 

V

 

Villa, n. – abode, house, domicile, apartment where one can bentahose. E.g. Villa Dimaya, Villa Espiritu, Villa Gohetia, Villa Valenciano. (note: the villa of the Ladignon is called a chateau.)  

 

W

 

X

 

 

Y

 

You stupid you, n. – 1) a greeting when Cinemasters meet one another. 2) when a person doesn’t know what one is talking about. E.g. You stupid you! (shall be spoken with finger pointing).

 

Z


go on and alligate